Being a Top
First, a word or two on what it’s all about. We’re talking about male intercourse, also known as anal intercourse, anal sex, doing it up the bum, bumsex, buttfucking, making love, etc. etc. There is as much confusion and mythology about this as there is reliable information. It’s a common misconception, for instance, that this is something which ALL gay men do. In fact, a very large percentage of gay men do not like it at all, and are quite happy doing without it. No-one should ever be made to feel that he HAS to do it if he does not want to, or that he is in some way ‘incomplete’ for not wanting it. Many male couples have a happy, fulfilling sex life that does not involve penetration.
Likewise, it’s something that some straight couples also do, either the man penetrating the woman’s anus, and/or toys (eg: dildos, vibrators) being used on him or her. Some people think that if a man enjoys being penetrated it must mean he is gay or bisexual, but just because he enjoys a particular kind of sensation this does not say anything about him being attracted to men or women.
Role
For gay men who do enjoy anal sex, there is the question of which role they prefer. If a man prefers to be penetrated he is described as ‘passive’ or ‘bottom’ (or a bottom); if he prefers to penetrate someone else he is described as ‘active’ or ‘top’ (or a top). The terms 'top' and 'bottom' originate from the USA, and since the 1990s have become widely used in Britain, where 'active' and 'passive' were the original terms. If he likes both he is versatile, and this seems to generally represent the majority.
Some guys go through phases where they will prefer a different role at a different time, or prefer different roles with different men (eg: they like to bottom for older, bigger or more masculine guys and prefer to top younger guys).
Anecdotal evidence suggests that more men prefer the bottom role to the top role, and for this reason a guy who is predominantly bottom and looking for a sexual partner will often describe himself as versatile in order to hedge his bets - he would rather bottom than top, but would rather top than have nothing at all.
A lot of men don’t like to use these labels at all because they can be too restricting and do not reflect reality for them, but for others they work OK as a general rule of thumb.
Signals
During the 1970s in the USA many gay men used to signify their role by wearing a handkerchief/bandana in the back pocket of their jeans. On the right hand side it meant the guy was bottom, on the left it meant he was a top. This system was adapted slightly, replacing the hankie with a key ring or chain clipped to the right or left belt loop, but this little tradition really only survives today amongst the leather/BDSM (bondage/domination/sadomasochism) crowd who also use different coloured hankies or bandanas to denote different sexual interests (navy blue standing for fucking), or a leather band on the right or left upper arm.
There are misconceptions about what different roles mean, even among gay men who really ought to know better. It is often assumed that a masculine gay man (in appearance and/or behaviour) will always be a top, and a camp or effeminate man will always be a bottom, but this is misleading. The majority of gay men do not have any stereotypically gay mannerisms and the anecdotal evidence suggests that there are more bottoms than tops out there. Most gay men who like penetration are therefore masculine bottoms (or masculine and versatile, but with a preference for the bottom role).
There is, in some circles, an attitude that bottoms are in some way inferior to tops; that being a top makes you more of a “man” and therefore more desirable. This is based on ignorance, homophobia and good old-fashioned sexism. The kind of person who thinks this way will often be the same one who looks down his nose at guys for being camp and thinks he is better than they are because he is “straight-acting”.
Arrogant
Some guys also have a problem with anyone who describes himself as being 100% top, accusing him of being arrogant, repressed, “hung up on his masculinity” or a liar (because for a gay man to be totally active is just too good to be true, therefore impossible). Often they will say that tops are lying to themselves and can’t wait to bottom, but they don’t seem to believe that the reverse is true of bottom guys. This shows that the same basic prejudice underlies the attitudes faced by both bottoms and tops.
For some people, being a 100% top is considered to be undesireable because the act of penetration symbolises oppression of women and non-white races, because historically it has been used as a form of dominance, invasion and rape. According to this point of view, only versatility (or non-penetrative sex) is ethically acceptable. It is not a very widely held viewpoint nowadays; it was more popular during the post-feminist 1980s.
Outside the West, there are other cultures that place anal sex in a much stricter context. Among men of Latino, Arabic, Native American and Indian cultures the role the man chooses in anal intercourse is a significant part of his sexual identity. A penetrator is regarded as being in the masculine role; usually he is not even considered homosexual and wil be married with children. The one who is penetrated is regarded as being in the female role and is likely to have effeminate mannerisms or even be transgender. None of them are versatile ... or, at least, they are not supposed to be ... This viewpoint is reflected, to a lesser extent, among men from backgrounds where they are encouraged to be 'macho'.
It’s useful to be aware of all this and to try and be sensitive and respectful. In the following notes I will use the terms ‘top’ and ‘bottom’ as if the participants are both 100% in their respective roles, although this will of course not always be the case, but for the sake of simplicity it works in this instance. A lot of guys do have a definite preference, and a virgin bottom will often seek out a more experienced top to ‘initiate’ him. This guide is for the top, who has certain responsibilities when it comes to his role, particularly if his partner is inexperienced.
Respect The Bottom!
It is important to have the right attitude towards bottom guys because there can be a lot of negative stigma attached to the bottom role – all of it harmful nonsense! One attitude that crops up now and then is that being a bottom is less masculine or even feminine, terms which are themselves imprecise at the best of times. This can be countered in two ways: one is by rejecting fundamentally meaningless concepts such as ‘masculinity’ and ‘femininity’ as being irrelevant to male-only sex, the other is to recognize that bottoming does in fact require qualities that are traditionally considered masculine: a guy who enjoys being penetrated is a man who has the courage to let another man inside his body, the strength to overcome any physical or emotional discomfort it might entail, the conviction to be his own man sexually despite the possibility of people thinking him 'less of a man' for taking it up the bum.
Bottoming is masculine, maybe in a more subtle way than being a top, but it is still a role that is 100% male. Unless the guy is also submissive, it has nothing to do with being ‘weak’ or ‘yielding’ – tops and bottoms are equal. The terms ‘bottom’ and ‘passive’ can be misleading. Sometimes you will hear a guy say something like “I’m an active bottom! I don’t just lie there like a wet lettuce!” meaning that he is an enthusiastic, energetic participant and will ride your knob like a hyperactive kid on a bouncy castle.
Some guys see this as being better than “passive bottoms” (who just lie there letting you do all the work), with the implication that these passive bottoms are lazy or selfish, or just not very good at bottoming, but this is unfair. Not everyone can bottom easily; the guy you top could be working hard just to relax enough to take the cock, or he may be so overwhelmed by the pleasure (or pleasure/pain mix) that he is just lost in sensation, and you should feel privileged that you can give him that.
Sturdy
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